Get the Skinny on Transformers: The Last Knight!

I should sit on this and let it marinate for a while, but I realized there is nothing here to marinate. Transformers the Last Knight is boring. There were no tense moments, no drama and worst of all no story. 
It made zero sense. The characters were not likable or lovable even though they tried really hard to make us like them.  I like new characters, They are my favorite part of another beloved eighties franchise. I will get to that franchise in a bit.

Here is what I gathered from Transformers Last Knight.

Chicago is a warzone still. The writers have never been to South Dakota. 
Optimus is easily convinced to do things. The writers don’t understand the consequences of a planet or moon sized object entering into another planet’s atmosphere, gravity, or orbit. Cybertron is a tiny planet. 
Unicron is in the Earth. Yep we have a planet inside our planet. Sorry all you geologists are wrong.  Transformers, sorry Quintessons, was she a Quintesson or just some weird abomination of one? Anyway they can teleport. Cool. Why didn’t she just do all that herself then? Worst of all, all the jokes fell flat.

Usually Bay makes the military shine in his films. He tried in this one but there was too little of the military in the film to do any scene justice. Transformers suffered from many things. For one it was trying to tell too many stories at once. You had a tale set in Arthurian times. You had a tale set in Chicago You had a tale set in the Badlands of South Dakota. Amusing how they chose a reservation, one of the poorest spots in the US if not the poorest, to have the Autobots seek refuge. You had a descendant of the Witwikys over in the UK. His story negated any story involving Sam from the first movies, but then I guess that could be ok since none of us really know our ancestors. Witwiccans? Lawyers negotiating with Megatron for the release of POW decepticons. That was new. Large dinobots and… mini dinobots?
Entertainment Earth

The worst part of this story was having a descendant of Merlin who supposedly is the only one who can touch this magic staff, and then Autobots, and Decepticons alike are touching it all over the place. I guess her touch did bring it back to life. I want to know how one of the Arthurian Autobot transformers wound up in a crashed plane in the middle of the Chicago war zone. There was a badly written shortened version of National Treasure wedged into the story. Ok so to do this you have to find this thing then that thing and wait what are we doing again?
The scene with the Prime Minister was cute but badly written. I did like seeing the Brits in their uniforms in the final battle. Would have been an easy way to mention Action Force.

The butler sidekick robot Codman? oh Cogman (thanks IMDB) was intended to have a Bruce Wayne Alfred kind of feel with Hopkins but honestly Cogman just came off as a jerk no wonder he likes to be called a sociopath. There was no real emotion felt when (spoiler) Sir Edmund Burton is killed by Megatron. Worst death scene ever for Anthony. At one point in a close up he was channeling Hannibal Lecter. I swear it’s true.
There is a lot of forced romance going on between Cade and Vivian. Those poor devils, all alone, they need to hookup and have a family.
I could see attempts at humor too but no one in the theater even chuckled. Speaking of which, there were eight of us there.
The underwater scene was in there just so they could do an underwater scene, a silly part of the National treasure thread. Why have a cybertronian sub if you are not going to have it transform at some point? 

Many of the recognizable Autobots were relegated to scenes that made zero sense.I am not sure why Barricade is even in the movie other than to look cool. He does that so well. Brass knucks though? C’mon. humans wear those as a weapon because they are stronger than flesh and bone. However this is steel on a steel hand. To me it was silly.
Not just Cybertronians though, humans that have no role other than to be in there because they were before are there too. John Turturro was totally unnecessary. 

I could go on and on but won’t because there was too much I did not like about the movie. Even Bay’s usually brilliant visuals were missing. No reason at all to pay extra for the 3D here. None. I may sound like I don’t like the Transformers films but I really do, or did until now. too many humans in this one for me.

Which brings us to how this fits in with the aforementioned GIJOE. Akiva Goldsman was the writer of Transformers the Last Knight. Head of the well publicized Writer’s Room designed to bring forth the Hasbro Cinematic Universe. I looked in here for signs of that universe and found none. No Action Man, No micronauts, no MASK, no Rom and certainly no GIJOE. Not even a pilot named Armbruster, which would have been a very easy nod. All those pilots going after Cybertron and the ignition chamber, reminded me of the final battle of Independence Day. Big Mother ship with its own ships attacked by all the jet fighters.

I am really concerned for anything to come out of the writer’s room. I am worried about the damage it could cause. Not to the mythos of G.I.JOE but to the image and the reputation of G.I.JOE as having good storytelling. This is the first film to come out of the writer’s room and before they move on they have a lot of work to do to make a better film. Lots of work.

What did you think of Transformers: The Last Knight? Let us know AFTER THE JUMP!


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