G.I.Dave’s Cartoon Realism: Silly or Gritty? “Hearts and Cannons

Story by @G_I_DAVE

Were back fellow fans and friends!
What day is it? C’mon Mike,Mike,Mike..HUMPDAYEEE! It’s Wednesday and we’re gunna dive into another G.I. Joe Sunbow episode to see if its more silly or gritty.

“Hearts and Cannons” (Sunbow Season 1, Ep 44)
is pure desert-ops and armor warfare.
This one starts out a bit too realistic for the times, as Cobra hits a village at night, bags the locals for labor, and Major Bludd is running the show while some lone warrior on a cliff swears vengeance. I can’t help but think we will be sending him shipments of US stinger missiles soon…ANYWAYS..
Hostages4work.jpg (43.88 KiB) Viewed 6 timesTime2go2work.jpg (28.38 KiB) Viewed 6 timesMysterious BroLaden.jpg (36.71 KiB) Viewed 6 timesMeanwhile a Joe air transport with the Mauler, Dusty, Footloose, Cover Girl and Wild Bill catches lightning in a storm Not just one lightning strike to the engine, but yep, TEO lightning strikes to both nacelles. The plane’s too heavy and Wild bill calls to dump the cargo, it’s not enough, so Dusty and Footloose jump with the tank and land square in the middle of Destro’s weapons range, as they watch plasma bolts sail over their heads.
Lightning .jpg (23.11 KiB) Viewed 6 times400lbs.jpg (28.53 KiB) Viewed 6 times
Destro is testing a plasma cannon tank that Dr. Nancy Winters (who just happens to be a smoke show) designed. This “plasma tank” vaporized targets and unmanned Firebats like nothing. Seriously, one shotted’ 3 Firebats in one shot. We see my main Merc, Major Bludd climb out and it seems the “testing phase” is complete, as Destro is pleased.
Success.jpg (40.63 KiB) Viewed 6 timesTesting complete .jpg (31.82 KiB) Viewed 6 timesDestro’s got the Smokeshow…er Scientist lady kinda held hostage after she finished the job and she is NOT happy about it. She even punches that steel face of his and hurts her own hand. Classic. I like this chick.
Ithinkillkeeper.jpg (43.84 KiB) Viewed 6 timesDusty and Footloose watch the whole show from a dune, they do some recon and decide the base is locked up pretty tight. They have definitely watched Macguyver and the A-Team because they go full cowboy at night. Footloose lays out in the road playing wounded to flag a Stinger driver, and Dusty pops out of the sand when the driver is excited to capture a Joe.
Imsolucky!.jpg (25.07 KiB) Viewed 6 timesThey nab him, hop in, use the trooper to get access.
Passwordplz.jpg (27.42 KiB) Viewed 6 timesInfiltrate the base, grab the doctor, and there is a rediculous firefight in Nancy’s room, where 4 troopers spray full auto and can’t hit one man, and Dusty Yeets a grenade and troopers are NOT surviving that one. The nab a singer, AGAIN, and escape HISS tanks, flamethrowers, automatic defenses, the works. I mean, who REALLY puts all the defenses pointing INSIDE their fortification?!? They jump the fence off a loading ramp and bail just before the Stinger cooks off.
Sheswithme.jpg (28.65 KiB) Viewed 6 timesGrenadeYeet.jpg (22.42 KiB) Viewed 6 timesDEFcasualties.jpg (36.3 KiB) Viewed 6 timesInterior firepower .jpg (45.73 KiB) Viewed 6 timesDukeboyz.jpg (16.49 KiB) Viewed 6 timesThen it gets REAL desert. The three pound sand with their feet, but Nancy steps on a Landmine, literally 5 feet away from a sign that says “Death Zone”.
Not dog poop .jpg (33.85 KiB) Viewed 6 timesFootloose sits down and meditates for a second while lasers pop out of the sand. Dusty three-shots the turrets, and after the Hippie gets done meditating, he has a brilliant plan to swap a rock for Nancy’s foot, and then CONTINUE into the “DEATH ZONE”. Footloose then just walks his rifle full auto and shreds mines…who needs EOD?
Whoneedsasweeper.jpg (27.1 KiB) Viewed 6 timesCobra keeps chasing and Destro won’t shut the defenses off, even after his own forces say “this shit is seriously a bad idea SIR”. Destro orders the troops to continue, or else he will have his Rattlers open fire on them for disobeying orders. We see the most unenthusiastic “cobraaaaa” from the troops as they charge through the DEATH ZONE, and all the stingers are SCHWAKKED by mines and defenses. Dusty even says he feels sorry for them and Footloose hits him with the karma line.
Desthzone.jpg (22.9 KiB) Viewed 6 timesRot death zone .jpg (35.43 KiB) Viewed 6 timesCmon destro.jpg (26.95 KiB) Viewed 6 timesAlwayswanted2fratricide.jpg (25.7 KiB) Viewed 6 timesNoooobra.jpg (26.94 KiB) Viewed 6 timesPoorfools.jpg (33.18 KiB) Viewed 6 times
There is a big sandstorm that hits, Dusty peels off to draw fire from the Cobra stragglers, steals ANOTHER Stinger, and disappears into the storm.
Sandstorm.jpg (40.28 KiB) Viewed 6 timesDriveryeet2.jpg (33.93 KiB) Viewed 6 timesFootloose and Nancy are trying to survive the sandstorm and dusty is close to getting them, but Footloose and Nancy get grabbed by the robed sword guy Ahmed Jabal. Bro-Laden ties them up to pillars, and is about to execute them with a scimitar, But once he sees the Joe logo he cuts Footloose loose and they’re in business together. I’m SURE this is the deal that got US stingers sent over there…
Old school execution .jpg (36.55 KiB) Viewed 6 timesJabal thought the Mauler that fell out of the sky was some ancient chariot or something sent from the gods and shows Footloose and Nancy, of course they are pros at operating a modern Tank Destroyer! I mean, aren’t we all?!? The Mauler heads out to take on the Plasma tank with 1 camel riding, scimitar wielding warrior in case the main gun won’t “cut it” (see what I did there?)
Wecoolheresurtank.jpg (39.21 KiB) Viewed 6 timesNOTahorsesoldier.jpg (15.69 KiB) Viewed 6 timesThey link back up with Dusty, who provides support by Skrakking 3 stingers with 3 stinger missiles, but the plasma tank shoots the 4th out of the air. Footloose and Nancy roll the Mauler, and go after Destro’s plasma tank.
Dustysupport.jpg (38.28 KiB) Viewed 6 timesDustysupport2.jpg (35.75 KiB) Viewed 6 timesNow here i have to hit the brakes. The Mauler took a hit from the plasma tank, and it slides sideways 150 yards in the sand. Footloose is in this enormous interior, I’ve seen hotel rooms smaller than the interior of this thing. I don’t know about you, but if you’ve been in any armored Combat vehicle, there isn’t room for no couches in there…lemme tell ya, your lucky if your elbow isn’t folded up your rear to fit in some of these vehicles, but this Mauler is SPACIOUS!! LOLZ..
Spacious interior .jpg (479.74 KiB) Viewed 6 timesTankfight.jpg (401.79 KiB) Viewed 6 timesFootloose is in damage control putting out fires inside the Mauler..
Damage control.jpg (401.51 KiB) Viewed 6 timesAAaannd here I have to call complete Bullcrap, to buy footloose time, Dusty jams his helmet into the tracks so the thing starts circling itself. I’ll remember that, if an enemy tank is right next to me, I’ll disable it with my Kpot.

Bananaintailpipe1.jpg (358.26 KiB) Viewed 6 timesBananaintailpipe.jpg (368.93 KiB) Viewed 6 timesKPot move.jpg (13.78 KiB) Viewed 6 timesBrilliant Nancy yells to footloose, who is turned in, in the Mauler and he hears her say “Fire on the unarmored rear”. Like anyone that wears Camo does no know where to hit a tank, right?
Hit the rear.jpg (32.79 KiB) Viewed 6 timesFootloose puts one round in and the plasma tank flips like a toy. It flies across the desert so rediculously I actually LOL’d. Destro bails, and conveniently A Rattler hovers, drops a rope ladder and climbs into a Rattler to escape like always.
King Jabal charges the remaining Cobras with a sword on a camel and they scatter. I’m not kidding.
Most vulnerable .jpg (20.61 KiB) Viewed 6 timesOneman.jpg (442.5 KiB) Viewed 6 timesOnemanSWORD.jpg (412.99 KiB) Viewed 6 timesLater the rest of the Joe column, lead by Flint shows up and finds Dusty and Footloose leading a parade of surrendered Cobra troops. We find out “Bro-Laden” is actually King Ahmed Razouli Jabal, and pins medals on Dusty and Footloose, and the king recognizes Nancy is a Smokeshow and invites her to tour the palace, and the two Joes immediately start arguing over who she winked at. She walks off with the king. Done.
It was the camel.jpg (31.66 KiB) Viewed 6 timesSuuuuupgurl.jpg (29.46 KiB) Viewed 6 timesWegetstingers!.jpg (25.02 KiB) Viewed 6 timesThe core concept has echoes things that happened back then that “seemed right?” Only to show us decades later it’s not a great idea. Forcing a scientist to build advanced armor, (we are literally hearing of disappearing scientists tied to advanced technologies right now…)
Cobra is using captured locals for labor, (yeah…that too) and a local “resistance” fighter who knows the ground better than anybody. The tank vs tank where you actually have to find the weak point instead of just blasting away? Absolutely silly. I can’t tell you first hand, that the US military/Darpa/skunkworks DREAM future weapon IS indeed plasma. It’s uneffected by Gravity, eats the atmosphere in front of it, and can burn holes in pretty much anything, if done “right” I guess. I’ve seen VERY advanced things in the field test and display phase but never seen anything plasma, but would not rule it out. We really don’t know what we have. The only “Plasma” we see on the battlefield, is the plasma jet created by a shaped charge, that creates a jet of “plasma” that pierces armor, but that’s just a chemical/metal reaction called the Munroe Effect, and not TRUE energy “plasma”. It’s just a jet created by the shaped charge that is around 500 degrees ( if I remember right) and its true power if the kinetic force of the charge, forcing the jet into the target, usually leaving a pretty small hole, but really doing SERIOUS damage to the insides of whatever it hits, as long as it’s not a glancing shot.
Ok..enough geek talk …
shaped-charge-cross-section-01.jpg (54.03 KiB) Viewed 6 timesplasmajet.jpeg (35.9 KiB) Viewed 6 timesThere IS some solid desert warfare here. Dusty using the sandstorm like cover and stealing enemy vehicles mid-fight is the kind of field improvisation that actually happens. The rivalry between Dusty and Footloose over the girl is pure unit dynamics, and probably more tame than anyone would believe. I’ve seen dudes fistfight for MRE Jalapeno cheese, let alone a babe in the desert. And speaking of Nancy, I’m not gunna buy the idea Footloose was able to grab a rock, while under fire, and swap out her foot and not loose his arms, Face and Nancy in a horrific pop.
I was kinda pumped for the Mauler versus the plasma tank, right until the cartoon physics kick in.
But the execution? Footloose meditating in a live minefield, a king slicingnTWO Trubble Bubbles out of the air with a sword (oh yeah, forgot to mention that on my first rewatch, LOLOLOL) , Dusty’s helmet jamming a multi-ton plasma tank’s tracks, and the whole “who does the pretty scientist like better” subplot while they’re still under fire… classic Sunbow, and the kind of episode that made me role my eyes as a kid, let alone today. The plasma cannon one-shots everything until it doesn’t. The Mauler takes a direct hit and just slides into a dune. NO VISIBLE DAMAGE, yet it was “one shotting” 3 Firebats. And of course Cobra’s own men get smoked by their own automated defenses because Destro is too stubborn to shut them off.

So what do you guys think? Does this one hold up for you as a “serious” episode? Any other Sunbow standalones you think nail the realism better? Drop your thoughts below, and don’t forget to “spike” your friends car with your helmet and ruin their work commute!

Yo Joe!
-G.I.DAVE