Why Cobra-La Still Ruffles my Feathers Almost 40 Years Later.

Story by Destro Designs / Viper Den Studios

I don’t complain as much about Cobra-La anymore, But that comes from more of me not having the energy to hate a cartoon and less that I actually have accepted that they did us dirty with this non-sense. Its a giant kick in the balls to an already established head cannon. Even though everybody’s head cannon is different, and everyone largely accepts everyone’s head cannon, no one ever came up with a croc of heresy like this.

When it comes to Cobra Commander, it really waters down the best parts of him. It was rough watching him be bullied by Serpentor but, the movie removes the greatest part of the character. The Mystery of who he is. I prefer Battle Mask Cobra Commander over the hood, because I believe the mask gives us too much, you can see the human eye balls amd skin around them. There it is, hes human. Meh. But, the hood looks so freaking awesome that I can over look this slight.

Now with the Battle Mask though, you dont know what hell is happening under that mirror reflective, center creased piece of art. He could look like anything, or just so severely tore up that he needs this tech to exist. But no matter what ideas you had with whatever he had on his head, you didnt know for sure and that truly left the door wide open for your imagination to walk through. Cobra-La takes that away from one of its most iconic characters.

Here comes the fungal faced Golobulus telling his crew to capture The Commander as they put him on trial in a kangaroo court if ive ever seen one. They give him a half-assed, back handed compliment and proceed to tear into him in a way that made Serpentor blush. But its in these moments that the creators of the movie attempt to strip us of that open door, over The Commanders origin and slam it shut and lock it up over a totally lame ass back story. Save it. Its boring as hell and not knowing at all is a billion times better. And, they actually turn him into into a snake as he literally slithers off the screen. Only thing DIC did right was bringing him back right away.

Serpentor is a scientific monument to Dr. Mindbenders genius and the resources Cobra is willing to expend to get what they want. Its Mindbenders Magnum Opus, his triumph as a scientist and character. The movie strips that away and all his glory with a few sentences about an ear worm and like that, all of Mindbenders ideas are in question. More heresy.

As much as of an enormous prick that Serpentor was, he was an interesting dynamic to.the show. But what made him cool was that he woke up barking about being the boss and did in fact try his best to bring Cobra to victory. His whole allure was that he was subservient to no one. He was the ultimate rule and he told you every second he was on the screen that he was the Sheriff and that was that.
But with Cobra La, hes right off the rip in a daze staring at Pythona, totally buying rhe line about him being the prodcut of Cobra La. Shes a stranger from a fleeting memory and he just rolls over like a Golden Retriever looking for a belly rub.

As if thats not bad enough, he KNEELS and just naturally starts playing second fiddle to Golobulus, and taking orders on the regular. I wish we got to see the Sarge beat the brakes off of him. And finally, the story just sucks. Weird bugs and organic everything is just dumb. It went against everything I believed about Gi Joe on a cellular level and my whole existence rejected it thus.

Its cool if you like it, but even those that do, have to admit, depsite being thinking its okay, it prevented the movie itself, from being much better. In my opinion.

What are your thoughts on Cobra-La? Sound off in the comments!